Treebeard's Love Life
by Lucky Larue
Summary: Deals with Treebeard's love life and other strange events. Rated for violence, "adult situations" (nothing explicit), and language. Uhh, "slash" I guess, though I'd just lable it "stupid".
1. Default Chapter

**Treebeard's Love Life  
**  
Notes: Inspired byother Treebeard in love fics I've read, but this one is a bit different...  
  
Timeline: None

Rating: R

* * *

Aragorn smiled as he enjoyed the forest breeze. Aragorn began to whistle the Mayberry theme as he took his walk through the forest.  
  
"Who goes there?!" boomed a voice. Aragorn frowned and looked all around himself, trying to find the source of the voice. "Who is that?!" asked Aragorn, taking out his sword. "I say, who goes there?!" said Aragorn.  
  
"I believe I asked you first, little greasy one." said the voice. "I am Aragorn." Aragorn said, proudly, holding his head high. "Oh, that's nice. Who ARE you?!" said the voice. Aragorn sighed. "Aragorn, son of Arathorn, a ranger, a king, an old one, Strider, Estel, etc., etc." said Aragorn, still looking around in the hopes of spotting the source of the voice.  
  
Suddenly, Aragorn gasped as he saw a big glowing eye inspecting him. Treebeard had lowered his head to get a good look at Aragorn. "Aragorn, eh?" said Treebeard.  
  
"Ah, yes! And you are?" said Aragorn.  
  
"My name is Treebeard. Are you planning on using that on me, ranger?" asked Treebeard. Aragorn looked embarassedly at his sword. "No, no, of course not..." he said, looking flustered. Treebeard smiled. "You seem shy." he said. "Well...heehee...maybe just a tad." said Aragorn, looking down.  
  
"Do you feel for me?" asked Treebeard. Aragorn looked up at him and smiled. "You cut right to the point, Treebeard." Aragorn said. Treebeard looked bashful. "I...my dating skills aren't the sharpest, dear Ranger..." said Treebeard. "Well, perhaps you should brush up on them, then." said Aragorn. They gazed into eachother's eyes. "Really?" said Treebeard. Aragorn looked utterly smitten, and he was breathing quickly. "Tonight!! Won't you please have an evening with me, beautiful creature?!" asked Aragorn. "Aragorn...it would please me greatly." said Treebeard, a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
"Untill tonight, then, when we shall get to know eachother better." said Aragorn.  
  
That night...  
  
Smooth jazz played in the background as Treebeard and Aragorn lay on the ground and clinked their champagne glasses together. A fireplace roared mysteriously beside them.  
  
Treebeard reached down a branch to caress Aragorn's face, but just ended up swatted him in the face and scratching him with leaves and twigs. "Oww!!" said Aragorn, shutting his eyes.  
  
Treebeard pulled away. "Oops, sorry, my dear." said Treebeard. "That's perfectly ok." said Aragorn, rubbing at his now bloodied face. "Don't lose the mood, now, my sweet...let me sing you a seranade to the jazz music, maybe that will help." said Treebeard. He took a very long breath and then began booming out at the top of his lungs, "OOOOOOHHHHH, IIIITT'SS NIIIICCEE TO BEEE IN THE FOORREESSTT....". Aragorn's eye shot open and he took on an electrified appearance.  
  
Aragorn clapped his hands over his ears. "What are you doing? Don't you LIKE my singing?" asked Treebeard, becoming angry. "I...I, uh...it's just a bit intense..." said Aragorn, still frazzled. Aragorn then started to rub his eyes. "I think you scratched my corneas earlier..." Aragorn groaned.  
  
"Well, if that's the way you feel, maybe we should just call this evening off." said Treebeard. Treebeard stood up.  
  
"Wait a second, Treebeard. Treebeard, don't go!" said Aragorn, standing up. Suddenly, Treebeard accidentally touched the fireplace with his leg and went up in flames.  
  
"Holy cow, TREEEBEEAARRDD!! I'll save you!!" said Aragorn, pulling out his torch and his sword and begining to swing them around at the flames that were on Treebeard.  
  
"Noo!! No, you idiot!! You can't defeat the flames with a torch and a sword! Oh, my God, you're a freakin' moron..." said Treebeard, running around in circles as the flames rose higher.  
  
Aragorn looked confused and frustrated as he held down his weapons and looked at Treebeard.  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, two small figures came running forward with spray cans of seltzer water. Merry and Pippin hopped up and down insanely, looking at eachother and screeching in delight. "AAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!" they laughed, demonically, spraying Treebeard and Aragorn with their seltzer.  
  
Suddenly, Merry stopped. "Hey, look, Pippin, Treebeard's on FIRE!" said Merry as his eyes went big while he stared at Treebeard. "Huh?!" said Pippin, turning around from where he was spraying Aragorn.  
  
"C'mon, man, we'd better put him out!" said Merry, begining to spray Treebeard again. Pippin tried to do the same, but sprayed himself in the face. "Pip, you dope!" said Merry. Pippin shrugged and Merry laughed. Aragorn broke into a grin and started laughing as well. After a moment, even Treebeard was laughing, even though he was still in flames. Finally they all got over it and started to spray Treebeard again.  
  
At last, the fire was out. Treebeard was a bit thinner, but he was pretty much ok. "Are you ok, my love?" asked Aragorn. "You two Hobbits saved me." said Treebeard, ignoring Aragorn.  
  
"T...Treebeard?" said Aragorn.  
  
"It was nothing. We just showed up to cause crap." said Merry. "We were in the right place at the right time, that's what it is. Eh, Taerreeebeard?!" said Pippin.  
  
Treebeard smiled. "Do you fellas like trees?" said Treebeard. "Oh, I know I do! I love tarrerrees, and especially you, Taerreeebeard! You're incredible! I think you'd make a fine Christmas taarreee or the home of an owl or family of chipmunks or..." said Pippin. "I reckon trees are right nice." said Merry, who was now smoking a pipe, frowning, and nodding.  
  
"Honestly?" said Treebeard.  
  
"Merry Brandybuck is always honest! I'm a member of the Audobon society, did you know that, Treebeard?" said Merry.  
  
"I didn't know that. That's a captivating fact..." said Treebeard.  
  
"Well, I'M a big fan of wooden objects, Taerreeebeard! I love to chop up wood and make things like spice racks and shite..." said Pippin.  
  
Treebeard frowned. "Chopping wood, eh?" said Treebeard, unhappily. "Pippin, that is really insensitive." said Merry. "What?! But taerreees come from wood, I thought it was all part of the same beautiful and magnificiant thing!" said Pippin.  
  
"Trees don't come from wood, wood comes from trees." said Treebeard, frowning harder at Pippin. "Oh." said Pippin, looking uncomfortable. "But, you like the feel of it do you? You know, my trunk is made from it. You think it's beautiful and magnificient?" said Treebeard.  
  
"Ah, yes! It's marvelous!" said Pippin. "Shut up, Pippin! Nobody likes trees more than me!" said Merry. "That's not true!" said Pippin. "Yes, it is! I'm a member of five environmental organizations, I love trees, I can't live without them, I FRIGGIN' LOVE THEM, trees to the death!!!" said Merry, a bit of spit flying out of his mouth.  
  
Pippin stepped back and looked at Treebeard. Treebeard was looking at Merry thoughtfully, a ponderous look on his face. Pippin grew annoyed. "I climb trees all the time, I love to be in them, I don't mind the bugs, the trees are just so beautiful!" said Pippin. "You usually break their branches, I've enough respect to stay back peacefully..." said Merry. Treebeard observed them both, tapping his foot.  
  
"Hmm...a difficult decision..." said Treebeard. Pippin and Merry stood there and stared at him. Aragorn, who'd been standing there with a very stupid expression on his face this whole time, shook his head. "Treebeard! You don't mean you're..." said Aragorn.  
  
"You and I haven't hit it off that well. Tonight's been a disaster, really, Aragorn. I just don't know..." said Treebeard.  
  
"Treebeard, please...you mustn't abandon our love!" sobbed Aragorn, crawling on the ground. "I don't know, Aragorn. I think I'd rather find romance elsewhere." said Treebeard. Aragorn stood up, suddenly. "Treebeard! Nobody will be able to love you like I can, especially not them! You are the being of my dreams! Let me be the same for you! Darling leaf angel! I am way more cool than they are! Oh, Treeebeeaard!" said Aragorn.  
  
"I must think." said Treebeard. He thought for a few moments as everyone stood there.  
  
Finally, Treebeard said, "I choose Pippin, because I like the way he says my name."  
  
"Oh, really?! Oh, goody!! What?!? Wait a minute, I don't want to get it on with a tree!!" said Pippin. Treebeard reached for him anyway, and Pippin ran off, screaming.  
  
"Hey, put him down!" said Merry, as Treebeard picked up Pippin. "Ahh, yes, you shall be my precious, Scottish Hobbit of love..." said Treebeard. "I ain't Scottish! I dunno what that means! Help me! Somebody get me down! Help me!!" said Pippin, wriggling around in Treebeard's hand.  
  
Merry picked up a rock and threw it at Treebeard's head. "That won't work, you fool. You can't stop somebody with a rock." said Treebeard.  
  
"I wonder if that's true." said Merry. To test it out, he threw a rock at Aragorn's head. Aragorn fell over, unconscious. "Well, you can't stop ME with a rock!" said Treebeard, starting to walk off with Pippin.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhhhhhh!!" said Pippin, trying more frantically than ever to get free from Treebeard's grip. "Ah, you're fiesty my angel, but soon you'll be mine. You can't ever escape me, Pippin, you see..." said Treebeard, and then his eyes glowed a firey red. "I'm in line with Saron." he said.  
  
Pippin took a huge breath and then started to scream louder than ever. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" he said. Treebeard looked annoyed but kept carrying him off untill they finally reached Saruman's castle. Treebeard boomed, "Let us in!" to the door. Saruman came to the door and glared up at him. "What are you doing here?" he said.  
  
"Me and my new love interest need a place to stay. I don't want to stay in the forest anymore, his little friends are gonna come looking for him and bothering me." said Treebeard. "What do I look like, the Holiday Inn? Go shack up somewhere else, Treebeard!" said Saruman. Saruman started to angrily slam the door closed, but Treebeard held out a branch to stop it. Saruman looked up at him in surprise.  
  
"We NEED a place to stay." said Treebeard. Saruman got out his staff and aimed it up at Treebeard. "May I remind you that I can turn you into set of Lincoln Logs if you get on my nerves?!" said Saruman. "May I remind you that Saron doesn't want his allies anhiliating eachother?! Just let me in or I'll go bother him about it, and then he'll blame you for not accomidating me." said Treebeard. Saruman snarled, but then reluctantly stepped aside, allowing Treebeard and Pippin to enter.  
  
Pippin looked down at Saruman and decided this would be a good time to try again with the screaming. "HEEELLPP!! AAAAHHHH!!! YAAAAHHH!!" screamed Pippin, to Saruman.  
  
Saruman looked up at Pippin and frowned, confused and annoyed. "You're a freaking idiot. So, Treebob, this is your lover?" said Saruman. "I believe you know my name, Sharuman. Anyways, he's not my lover YET, but he will be soon. You got a big bed in here?" said Treebeard. Pippin let out an extremely long, extremely high pitched yell.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"AAAAHHHHKK!! Precious! It hurts us! It hurts us!" said Gollum holding his hands over his ears as he heared Pippin's noise. "What IS it?! Where does it COME from?! Aaahhh!! It hurts!" said Gollum, spinning around in circles on the ground. Gollum started trying to run away from the sound when he ran smack dab into Frodo.  
  
"Gollum! What are you doing here?" said Frodo, a suspicious look in his eye. "Sitting in the damn forest reading a book, when I heard some horrible screeching come through the trees at us, yes, Precious!!" said Gollum. Frodo shook his head and looked at the trees. "What kind of a noise was it?" said Frodo. "It sounded like Annie Lennox a little bit, but it was far more high pitched, we know nots what it was!" said Gollum. Frodo put a hand on his chin, thin he scratched his head. "Gots fleas, master?" said Gollum. "No, Gollum, it's not that. I...I believe I may know where this noise is coming from! You see, my cousin Merry came home in the fits today, saying Pippin had been abducted by a tree! Well, there's only one person I know who could make that sound, and that's Pippin! Now, tell me what direction the noise came from!" said Frodo.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"This is the biggest bed we've got in the house." growled Saruman, begrudgingly opening the door to a huge guestroom. "Charming. Nice, quant decorating in here. I love the Angel and Buffy bedsheets." said Treebeard. "Angel and Buffy?! I hate that show!! Who set this up?! Grima!!" said Saruman, storming off.  
  
Treebeard kicked the door shut and set Pippin down on the floor. "Ooohh," said Treebeard. "You're not seducing me at all! I don't fancy you, I don't even like you!" said Pippin. "I wasn't moaning seductively, I just have a headache from all your screaming!" said Treebeard. "Ah, well, do you?! Well, I'm glad, you son of a bitch! You deserve pain! I'll never be yours, never!!" said Pippin, and he ran at the door and started beating it with his fists, not knowing that it was actually unlocked.  
  
"Hooommm..." said Treebeard. "Don't say that, it's stupid!!" said Pippin, still pounding frantically on the door. "Oh, alright. Well, hmm...Come away, my beaming beauty!" said Treebeard. Treebeard tried to pull Pippin away from the door but Pippin turned his head around and bit into Treebeard's branch, ripping off some twigs and leaves. "Hey!! I can't afford to lose anymore of my stuff after that fire incident!! Watch it!" snarled Treebeard, pulling his branch-hand away and shaking it, which caused a couple more leaves to fall off.  
  
"You deserve to catch fire!! You should be turned into cinder!" said Pippin, now leaping up and down in frustration in front of the door.  
  
"Those aren't kind words, my love. Perhaps I can do something to change your mood." said Treebeard. He swatted Pippin away from the door. "Well, that didn't do it." said Pippin. Treebeard went over to a stereo system that was on a beauro. He turned it on and Issaic Hayes or some old jazz singer started to moan something. Treebeard began to sway seductively, pretending to take off the arms of an invisible dress.  
  
"Taerreeebeard, you're not wearing anything you big moron!" said Pippin. "It's the IDEA of it, Damn it! Can't you appreciate the thought?! I tell you, nobody appreciates me, nobody appreciates the little things I do, or anything I do, nobody blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...!!" said Treebeard, ranting on.  
  
Pippin decided to try to find a weapon to use against Treebeard as Treebeard stood there rolling his eyes to the ceiling and flailing his branches. Pippin began rustling through drawers and opening the closet door. Finally, Pippin found a pack of matches.  
  
"Stand back! Evil Taerreeebeard, if you don't do exactly as I command, namely bringing me to my freedom, then I'll be in heaps of trouble with Smokey the Bear, ya get what I mean?!?!" said Pippin, holding up a lit match.  
  
Treebeard stopped his rant and looked down at Pippin. "You set me on fire, and this whole room goes up in flames! Besides, Saruman will be pissed off when he sees what you did." said Treebeard. "I doubt that, he hates you. He'll probably be delighted to see you go." said Pippin. "Ok, but back to point one, I go up in flames and so do you. After all, the door's locked." said Treebeard, smiling at his own cleverness.  
  
Pippin sighed in defeat. "I guess that's true..." said Pippin, putting the match down.  
  
Treebeard shut off the stereo. "Obviously you aren't the least bit romantic. Fine, but you shall be mine, Pippin! YOu shall be mine!" said Treebeard, and he lunged at Pippin. "Get away from me!! Is that even possible?! You scummy termite infested old bastard!!" said Pippin, scrambling away from Treebeard to the other side of the room.  
  
"Take that back!! Grrr, don't ever say that about me!! Take it back!!" said Treebeard, enraged. "#&%$ off, wood-man!" said Pippin, on the opposite side of the bed from Treebeard, the bed the only thing between them. "NO ONE SHALL DEFY ME!! YOU SHALL BE MINE!! And we shall see if it's possible when I stick my root up your ass!!" said Treebeard. "You just got this story an R-rating!! You creepy bastard!!" said Pippin.  
  
Pippin flipped over the matress, which was an amazing feat considering how big the matress was and how small he was, and sent it flying up into Treebeard's face, which was probably impossible.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Saruman and Grima were playing scrabble.  
  
"What do you suppose they're doing in there?" said Saruman.  
  
"I don't know." said Grima.  
  
Back to the action...  
  
Treebeard stumbled back from the flung mattress and fell on his ass. Pippin threw himself up on the springboard and grabbed a lamp off the nightstand he threw it in Treebeard's face, frowning angrily. He then reached down and picked up a letter opener that had been lying there and threw it pointy end at Treebeard, embedding it into his face. Treebeard rolled around a bit and shook his head after a moment of being dazed, and Pippin, still standing on the under mattress and looking more enraged, proceeded to grab a paperweight that was also on the nightstand and chuck it at Treebeard's crotch.  
  
Pippin furiously hopped down from the bed and saught out another object with which to attack Treebeard. He found a large glass sculpture of a couple of unicorns making out and prepared to throw it at Treebeard, who was starting to sit up.  
  
The door opened a crack, just enough for a hunched over Saruman and Grima to peek their heads in, Saruman's head over Grima's. "Now we can see what's happening." said Grima. At that second, Pippin chucked the unicorn sculpture at Treebeard, but Treebeard dodged it in the knick of time, and the sculpture went whizzing past him and smashed on both Saruman's and Grima's faces.  
  
Saruman and Grima fell to the floor, unconscious, as Pippin quickly took his opportunity to tear out the door as fast as he could. He ran through the halls and found the front door, he wrenched it open and tore out into daylight, running out across the green hills.


	2. Part 2 End chapter

Meanwhile...  
  
"Where the hell ARE we?! You said you knew where we were going, **Gollum**!" said Frodo. "Maasstaahh needs to shut up, Masstaah is getting on our neerrvess..." said Gollum, leading on.  
  
Frodo looked around at the woods surrounding them. "Where ARE we?! Damn all these misquitoes! It's nearly dusk! We've been wandering around for hours, and there's no sign of Pippin! My legs are getting sore and I can barely see in this light!" said Frodo, frustrated. He stubbed his toe on a tree root and cursed. "We'll be getting there soon...just keep up...." said Gollum. "Pippin's probably dead! We're out in the middle of nowhere! Admit it, will you, you're totally lost!!" said Frodo. "SSSHHUUUUTTT UUUPPPP!!!" squawked Gollum, continuing on at a speedier pace. "I KNOW where I'm going!" he added.  
  
Frodo sighed in frustration and looked around himself at the growing darkness. Somewhere, a wild dog howled.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"And then...and then the tree TOOK him, it took Pippin!!" sobbed Merry, sitting at the bar with one hand on his beer mug handle and the other arm draped over his face, which was laying on the counter. A group of bargoers was listening to him moan and wail about his lost friend, again. "He was carried off screaming, and it was so horrible!!" said Merry. He sobbed harder and then pulled his beer to his face, taking several gulps. "Me best mate! Me cousin!" said Merry, miserably. "So, ah, why aren't you out looking for him instead of at a bar?" asked some guy.  
  
Merry got a thoughtul expression on his face and his jaw moved so far sideways that it dislocated. Merry quickly popped it back into place and nodded seriously. "That's what I should do!" he said, and he jumped off his barstool and ran for the door.  
  
Merry first slammed into the door from his drunkeness, then was hit in the face by it while laying on the floor when Sam burst through it.  
  
"MR. FROOODOOOO!! ARE YOU IN HEERRREEE??!?" called Sam, putting both hands around his mouth and calling out. The whole bar stopped what it was doing and glared at him.  
  
"He ain't here, Sam." said Rosie, smiling like she always did. "D'oh, huh, huh, ooohhggwwaarrssshhh..." said Sam, blushing.  
  
"I saw him earlier." said Merry, wiping his bloodied face on his sleeve. "He said he was going to look for Treebeard." said Merry.  
  
"So he's in the forest?! Don't worry, Mr. Frodo, I'm on my way!" said Sam. Sam turned around and rushed back out the door with a very deterimend look on his face. Sam kicked Merry in the face accidentally while leaving, and Merry passed out.  
  
Sam was running through the forest when an owl swooped down and attacked him. "Aaahh! Aaahh! Noo, I can't be stopped, I have to find Mr. Frodo!!" said Sam, flailing his arms around. The owl kept attacking him and Sam was driven over the side of a steep hill, falling a long distance to the ground.  
  
Below, Aragorn was wandering around the forest like a wild animal and was sniffing a berry to decide whether or not he should consume it. He heard a loud sound and looked up an instant before Sam's form came crashing down on him.  
  
"STRYDER!!" said Sam, looking under himself and seeing Aragorn laying unconscious on the ground. Sam good up and started shaking and slapping Aragorn, and finally Aragorn opened his eyes to see Sam's face hovering over his. "Stryder, you gotta help me find Mr. Frodo!!" said Sam. "Huh....Mr. Frodo?" said Aragorn. "He wandered off somewheres and he's lost I just know it! And he's ascared of the dark! _sob_, Mr. Frodo is afraid!!....Plus I think his cousin's dead." said Sam.  
  
"Cousin...You mean Pippin? Oh, Sam. Treebeard and Pippin. They're in love." said Aragorn, sitting up and putting his head in his hand. "What?!" said Sam. "Treebeard was supposed to love ME! This story was supposed to be about ME and him, damn it!!" said Aragorn. "Stryder, I don't give a crap about your emotional problems, Mr. Frodo is missing!!" said Sam, angrily. "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo, is that all you ever freaking thing about, Samwise?!" said Aragorn. "Yheah, so what?! The point is, we gotta find him, so get your big ass tough guy do-it-all self up and FIND HIM!!" said Sam.  
  
"O**K**!" said Aragorn, his eyes widening in shock.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Pippin came flying down a hill, running further and further from where Saruman lived.  
  
"I wish I knew where I was!" said Pippin. He took a tumble and went rolling down a hill like a hoop snake, finally crashing into a treestump at the bottom. "Oh, shite." said Pippin, wobbling up. He looked around, holding his head, disoriented.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Aragorn sniffed something on the ground. "What is it? Is it Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam. "No. It's a turd. Come on, let's go that way." said Aragorn, pointing.  
  
"Ever been in love, Sam?" asked Aragorn, as they walked on. "Sort of." said Sam. "I haven't, but I'm always looking. I mean, there was that Arwen chick, but she's a bore. Besides, I really like guys. At least it seems I do by all the crap I'm always reading about myself." said Aragorn. "Yessir." mumbled Sam, not listening as he looked around for any signs of Frodo.  
  
"If only I could find that special guy. The right person. Just the right one. The one to take my breath away." said Aragorn. "Mmhmm...Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo, is that you?" said Sam, looking at a frog's shadow between two trees. "It hurts to be rejected, Sam, even by a tree. I thought we had something special." said Aragorn.  
  
1/2 hour later...  
  
"It's gotten awfully dark, Stryder. Are you sure we're anywhere near Mr. Frodo?" said Sam, a worried expression on his face. "No, not really." said Aragorn.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Well, Gollum, there's still no sign of Pippin." said Frodo. Gollum didn't say anything. They walked on for a moment more in silence, and then a sound broke through the night.  
  
"CH-CH-CH-CH!!!! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"  
  
Frodo and Gollum froze. "What...what the..." said Frodo. Gollum swallowed. "Master? Did you do that?" said Gollum. "No, no, it wasn't me..." said Frodo. Gollum looked around, nervously. After a moment, he pulled a Donald Duck plush toy out of his loincloth.  
  
"Smeagol doesn't like strange noises." he said. "Neither does Frodo." said Frodo.  
  
There was a rustling in the bushes around them.  
  
"Ok, ok, we admits it! We admits it! We is lost!!" said Gollum, looking around fearfully and clutching himself.  
  
"_Sigh_, just as I thought. We're no where NEAR Pippin, or his charred corpse as the case may be. And that sound..." said Frodo, his eyes growing wide as he looked around.  
  
"CH-CH-CH-CH!!!! HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"  
  
"PRECIOUS!!" cried Gollum, clutching the Donald Duck plush toy to his chest. "We is going to dieee, Precious!!" he sobbed. "Smeagol, shut up!!" said Frodo, trying not to panic himself as he looked frantically around himself, trying to figure out where they should go.  
  
"CHCHCHCHCHCH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" came the sound again.  
  
"EEEYIIIPPEEE!! GIVE ME THAT!!" cried Frodo, wrenching away Gollum's plush toy and holding it. "GIVES IT BACKS!! IT'S MINESS!" hissed Gollum, attacking Frodo. "No, no, it's mine!!" cried Frodo. Gollum knocked Frodo to the ground and beat him senseless untill he could pry his plush toy back.  
  
Gollum stuck out his tongue at Frodo and petted his toy's head as he mosied off. "Ooohh.." groaned Frodo.  
  
"CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" said the sound.  
  
"PRECIOUS!!!" screamed Gollum in fear, as loudly as he could.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"PRECIOUS!!!"  
  
Pippin stopped in his tracks as he heard the sound. He was on the borders of a forest. "What the &%#?" said Pippin, confused. Pippin scratched his head and frowned. "That sounded like...Gollum! Maybe he knows the way back. Now where was that coming from?" said Pippin. He turned towards the source of the sound and headed towards it.  
  
Back with Frodo and Gollum...  
  
Suddenly, Legolas jumped out from behind a tree, grinning and holding his arms out at his sides. "It's me!! Heeheeheeeheeheeeheeheehee!! I was playing a joke on you!" said Legolas.  
  
Gollum and Frodo looked at eachother. They both charged at him at once, snarling. Legolas smile dropped. "W-wait! I want to help, really! No, wait!! Nooo!!" said Legolas, turning and trying to run too late, as they both pounced on him. "AAAAIIII!!" shrieked Legolas as Gollum knocked his head on a tree like a coconut. Legolas fell to the ground, where Frodo literally kicked his ass and Gollum yanked at his hair. Legolas was soon thrashed unconscious. "How do you like our little joke, Peter Pan?" asked Frodo, as badass as he could be. "Master, he is unconscious." said Gollum.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Merry dragged himself off the ground of the bar. "Oooh, what the...Pippin! Pippin, that's right! I gotta go rescue him!" said Merry. Merry groggily ran out the door as fast as his legs would carry him, which was not very fast. Merry stumbled along and fell to the ground soon after leaving the bar. Merry turned his head back and forth, dizzily. "Pippin...PIPPIN NOOOOOO!!" called Merry, unable to get up.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Where ARE we, Stryder?! You haven't found jack shite!" said Sam. "Hey, don't you take that accusatory tone with me! I'm the saviour of Middle Earth, nobody would ever get anywhere without me!!" said Aragorn. Sam sighed. "Yheah, whatever." said Sam. Arogorn licked his finger and stuck it out in the wind. "I think we should go this way." said Aragorn, pointing left. "We just came from that way." said Sam. Aragorn looked at him. "Damn it." Aragorn said.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Frodo and Gollum were standing in the clearing near Legolas' unconscious form, deciding what to do, when all of a sudden, they turned at the sound of a noise and saw Pippin come running forward.  
  
"Frodo!! Gollum!! You're here!! Oh, my God, you guys, I was abducted by Taerreeebeard, he's a total psychopath now with red eyes, and you'll never believe what happened!" said Pippin. "Pippin! I thought I'd never find you!" said Frodo. He ran over to Pippin and they grabbed eachothers shoulders and started to jump up and down in slow motion, like they always did when they greeted eachother. "Yaaayy!" they said, happily. They stopped a moment later.  
  
"Well, let me tell ya, I'm glad that adventure's over! I'm ready to go home, now!" said Pippin. He noticed something. "Hey, what's that?" asked Pippin, pointing at Legolas' body. "Oh, uh...we were a little stressed out." said Frodo, frowning.  
  
"Where did you come from, eh?" asked Gollum, to Pippin. "Oh, I just fled from Saruman's castle. It's right up that way." said Pippin, pointing.  
  
"Ha! We WERE going the right way!" said Gollum, pointing at Frodo. "Alright, alright, I'll give you credit." said Frodo. Gollum smiled proudly.  
  
"Mmmmhhh....ooohhh" groaned Legolas, in a low voice. Everyone looked at him. "Oh, did you need any help, Legolas?" asked Frodo. "No..." groaned Legolas, slowly standing up. "That's ok. I'll be fine. See you later." said Legolas, dragging himself back off into the forest and dissapearing.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
"It's not right, a man like me, not being able to find love. I tried to get it on with Legolas once, but he said he was straight. Can you imagine that? In a fanfiction, for God's sake?!" said Aragorn, annoyed. "Shhh! I hear something!" said Sam. Aragorn looked in the direction Sam was looking. They both paused. There was a distant rustling up ahead. They stood stock still as the sound quickly grew nearer.  
  
"Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam, an instant before Treebeard came barreling out of the forest, roaring. "PIIPPPIINNN!!! COME BACK, MY BRIDE!!" Treebeard bellowed.  
  
Aragorn and Sam looked at eachother and jumped in shock at the same time. They both took off running away from Treebeard. "Yaaaaahhhh!!" they said.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
"It's my responsibility to save my twerp-o cousin and I'm gonna do it! I'm comin' Pip! I says, I'm comin!" said Merry. "What are you doing?" asked Gimli, standing next to where Merry was still laying on the ground. Merry puked and then looked at him. "Gimli? What are you doing here?" said Merry. "Just hangin' out. You look like you've had a few pints too many." said Gimli. "No such thing." grunted Merry. "There's a little thing called AAA Merry." said Gimli. "You mean AA." said Merry. "Look, don't go gettin' all uppity and pretendin' you're smarter than I am." said Gimli. "Ok, ok. Anyway, help me up, would you? Pippin's in trouble and I got to go rescue him." said Merry. Gimli pulled Merry to his feet.  
  
When they finally made it to the edge of the woods, Pippin came walking out with Frodo and Gollum.  
  
"Merry!!" said Pippin. "Pippin!!" said Merry. They started screaming and jumping up and down, hugging eachother. "Uuugh, Merry, you threw up all over my shirt!" said Pippin. Gimli beamed. "Everything looks in order, now!" said Gimli.  
  
"Pippin, I was gonna come look for you, just now, really, man." said Merry. "Don't worry about it, Merry. The point is I'm home, now. We're all together! Now let's all go have a pint." said Pippin. They all turned and cheerfully headed towards the bar.  
  
Soon...  
  
They were inside the bar when they heard someone screaming outside. "PPPIIIIIPPPPIIIIINNNNNN!!!" came Treebeard's booming voice. Pippin's head shot around. "What the..." said Pippin. "You don't suppose..." said Frodo, eyes wide. "It couldn't be Treebeard?!" said Merry. "Yep, it's him alright." said Gollum, slurping down the last of his beer.  
  
Sam and Aragorn burst into the bar, Aragorn swinging both doors open at once. "EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! There's a talking tree out there!!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!!!" said Sam, running towards Frodo. "Hmm? Sam? What have you been up to?! Aahh, Sam!!" said Frodo, as Sam leapt onto him like a hyperactive dog, knocking him from his barstool. "So glad...so glad you're safe, Mr. Frodo..." sobbed Sam, his tears dripping down onto Frodo's face. "Aahgg..." said Frodo, as he struggled not to drown in Sam's river of tears.  
  
"PIPPPIIINN, YOOOUUU SHALL BEE MIIINNEE!!" roared Treebeard, outside.  
  
"Gimli, do you mind if I borrow your axe for a minute?" asked Pippin. "Err, no, Pippin, go right ahead." said Gimli. Pippin took the axe from Gimli. "I have a bit of unfinished business to attend to." said Pippin, frowning darkly. He hopped off his barstool and headed outside.  
  
A couple months later...  
  
"I have to hand it to you, Pip. This new wooden chair and table set is the finest woodwork I've ever seen you do." said Merry, as they all sat at Pippin's table. "Yes. I think when you cut the lumber yourself, it really instills you with a sense of pride." said Pippin, smiling, as he poured everyone more tea.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Romances never work out, do they, Grima?" asked Saruman, playing Gin Rummy with Grima.  
  
"Not in my experience." said Grima.  
  
"No, no, never. You know, I had a girlfriend once. A little sick in the head, but she was mine. Oh, well, that was a long time ago. Love. Bah!" said Saruman.  
  
"Yes, sir." said Grima.  
  
"Just us bachelers." said Saruman.  
  
"Er..." said Grima. "Say, Grima, do you wax your eyebrows?" asked Saruman, raising an eyebrow. "No, they just fell out." said Grima. "Oh. Hmm, Grima, is that a new foundation." said Saruman. "Um, no, sir." said Grima. "You, know, Grima..." said Saruman, a creepy smile creeping onto his face.  
  
Suddenly, the doors burst open and a thousand orcs appeared.  
  
"Who the hell are you?!" said Saruman.  
  
"We've been sent to stop you from making another horrible slash romance!!" said the leader orc. "Oh?! And you think you can stop me, do you?!" asked Saruman, standing up and putting his hands on his hips. "Yheah!! I do!!" said the leader orc. "Well, how about this?!" said Saruman, rushing forward and giving the orc a big wet kiss.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed everyone, fictitious or real, living or dead, in every universe and dimension. Even you. You just didn't know it because you were in a state of total insanity.  
  
Then...  
  
Pippin shuddered.  
  
"Well, that was odd! More tea?" said Pippin.  
  
**The End.**


End file.
